What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.