[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Put the is in disheveled
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet