My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity