Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
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[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My sex drive has a dui
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
WHO DID THIS?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.