I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
a fate I wish upon no one
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”