Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.