Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
You are not alone 💚