ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.