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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
PLEASE READ
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
This 4th of July, please remember…
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle