I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.