Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Science memes
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
The Joker was right
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.