The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.