I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right