I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*