The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Everything reminds me of my ex
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.