Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I found your tweet-up…
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.