Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
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Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me