Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]