I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.