911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
whatcha thinkin bout
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.