*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Hey! This isn’t my car!
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.