I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.