INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Meanwhile in Portland…
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?