honestly, i need both:
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Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…