‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
You Might Also Like
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.