A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”