Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi