I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
You Might Also Like
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.