They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Cat.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.