Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.