when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
You Might Also Like
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
The first matador
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.