*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
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Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever