The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.