me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
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Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.