ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
You Might Also Like
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain