*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Doormats are a gateway rug.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.