Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Admin smashed it 😂
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.