me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My beach vacation Google searches
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
#MeanwhileInCanada
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.