We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
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That’s no pocket rocket.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape