Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.