More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My blood type is coffee.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
This hospital has everything
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”