customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
You Might Also Like
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Not today.. 😂
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
he’s doing your taxes
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”