the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”