If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
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“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.