If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
You Might Also Like
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.