Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
boat question
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.