[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that