day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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Choose your fighter
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
can you read it!!??
maan!
This guy gets it.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox