Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.