#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.